1. Research tells us that, for many children, becoming a stepfamily is harder and takes more time, than divorce.
- Stepfamilies are generally easier for children eight and under, and for boys.
- They are harder for girls (including, in my experience, for adult daughters of older recoupling dads). They are often especially hard for early teen girls.
2. Parents and stepparents are often divided over parenting.
- Stepparents everywhere seem to want more limits and boundaries with their stepchildren.
- Parents everywhere seem to want more acceptance and understanding for their children.
3. Hands down, “authoriTATIVE parenting” by parents is best for children on every measure imaginable, including bringing children through difficult transitions like divorce and becoming a stepfamily.
- Authoritative parenting is both loving and firm:
- Loving: Authoritative parents lead with warmth, responsiveness and empathy.
- Firm: Authoritative parents calmly set moderately firm limits and they make developmentally appropriate demands for maturity.
4. The research is overwhelming: Until and unless stepparents have forged a caring, trusting relationship with stepkids, parents need to retain the limit setting and disciplinary role.
- Once stepparents have forged a caring trusting relationship with their stepchildren, they can sometimes move slowly into an authoritaTATIVE (loving and moderately firm) disciplinary role. But even authoriTATIVE discipline by stepparents too early backfires.
- AuthoriTARIAN (hard and firm) parenting by stepparents is almost always toxic to stepparent-stepchild relationships.
- In many thriving healthy stepfamilies, stepparents do not have a disciplinary role.
5. Successful stepparents focus on connection not correction.
- Successful stepparents lead with warmth and interest: Engage stepchildren in ‘everyday talk’ about school, friends, the things they care about. Listen, empathize. Stick to requests (“I’d love it if…”) not demands (“do this or else”).
- Spending one-to-one time with your stepchild is really important. Play games, make a favorite food, shoot baskets. (When parent is present, stronger parent-child relationship pushes stepparents to the outside.)
- There is a very wide range of stepparent-stepchild roles linked to positive outcomes for kids. A few are parent-like. Many others are more like a “warm adult friend,” aunt or uncle. Some focus on helping with homework and academics.
6, Meanwhile, successful stepcouples do work as a team.
- Often stepparents can help parents to firm up a bit.
- Parents can help stepparents to understand their children.
- Stepparents often have a lot to add, and they need a voice.
- When there’s a difference that remains unresolved, stepparents have input; parents have final say about their own children.
7. Successful stepcouples face the same challenges that struggling stepcouples do.
- Successful stepcouples communicate frequently and constructively.
- They discuss their parenting differences with kindness, caring and genuine curiosity.
- Struggling stepcouples criticize and/or avoid.